What is The Source of Well Being?

You wander from room to room

Hunting for the diamond necklace

That is already around your neck

—RUMI

People look for retreats for themselves, in the country, by the coast, or in the hills … There is nowhere that a person can find a more peaceful and trouble-free retreat than in his own mind.… So constantly give yourself this retreat, and renew yourself.

—MARCUS AURELIUS

These are quotes that Pam Pretorius shared with our crew. I feel that these quotes express a fundamental truth, one that we often neglect during the course of our daily lives. This truth forms an important element of the Care and Growth leadership model and the broader Schuitema Thematic and it concerns the source of well being.

We can start to get at this truth when we ask someone a question like “why do come to work everyday?” The point of asking this question is to tap into their motivations for doing the things that they are doing in their lives. Typically one gets answers like “I go to work to support my family”; to pay the bond; to pursue my career; to provide a service; because the work is enjoyable, etc. For simplicity sake it is possible to categorize the multiplicity of answers one will typically be given into four broad categories which account for why anybody would do anything, and so define what human beings want from life.

The four categories include Security, Fulfillment, Power and Harmony. The need for security will include things such as earning a living, providing for the family, and being able to afford the good things of life. Earning a living, for example, is associated with the need to survive and is therefore concerned with the need for security, that sense that I am safe and I will not be visited by calamity.

The need/desire for fulfillment will typically include things such as learning, growth, challenge and job satisfaction. People feel fulfilled when they experience their lives as meaningful and “rich”, as apposed to menial and empty. It is this sense of having a full and worthwhile life.

The need/drive for power for its part will include things such as career advancement, achieving success and becoming significant. Power is about standing out, it is about being recognised as somebody. There are very few people who are happy with dying a nobody and those that are comfortable with dying a nobody have managed to discover their sense of being powerful in a source other than the significance granted by other human beings.

Lastly, the need/desire for harmony will include things such as enjoying a sense of team work, being able to co-operate with others and feeling that one is making a contribution to others. The desire for harmony is the desire that drives the conscientious community man who cares deeply about the welfare and cohesion of  his community.

The usefulness of this fourfold distinction is that it provides a bit of clarity to what is otherwise a very diverse set of motivations and it does so by scratching the surface of each motive somewhat to discover what really sits behind it. The other very useful thing about this categorization is that it provides the opportunity to explore the true source of human well being by asking “where does these four things come from?”, or “how does one get these four things?”

The typical answer one could expect to get is something like “by getting a job” or perhaps “by starting a business”, or whatever. What you really can expect to get is an answer that appeals, like we see with the “getting a job” answer, to work done in the external world. The fundamental truth pointed at by both Rumi and Marcus Aurelius indicates however that this sort of answer is fundamentally flawed. If you think that the itch of security, fulfillment, harmony and power scratches from the outside, you will end up doing the equivalent of drinking salt water to quench your thirst.

But why should we say this? To illustrate the point we must first recognise that every moment that you’re in, you are always faced with two issues. There is a set of issues around what you are getting from the world, and a set of issues related to what you are giving to the world. The distinction is actually between that which sits within your control and that which does not sit within your control. The stuff you are getting from the world moves from other to self and this is something we do not directly control, other has power over that which moves from other to self. The stuff that you are giving on the other hand moves from self to other and this is what we have direct control over. We might say that we are faced with a choice in every situation. Should I focus on what is happening to me (i.e. to the stuff I am getting from the world) or should I give attention to what I am doing (i.e. that which I am giving to the world)? What you give attention to has massive ramifications for your well being.

If for example I base my sense of security on what I am getting from the world, I create the conditions in which I become insecure and the reason for this is simple. By basing my sense of security on something I have no power over, I set myself up to suffer continuous insecurity because the world as a whole can rarely be trusted to provide me with exactly the things that I need to be secure. There will be the perpetual looming  question “will I lose this or that, or will I lose it all?” If on the other hand I base my sense of security on what I can contribute to the world I will remain secure because I am basing my security on something that I have direct power over.

One might say that to feel secure you must not base your security on your ability to avoid calamity, rather you must base your security on your ability to plot a good path through calamity should it strike. If you succeed in this you can honestly say “I am not at peace because I believe that things will not fall apart, I am at peace because I know that if they do I will deal well with the pieces.” If this is your demeanor you will always feel secure because you will rest assured that whatever happens you can plot a meaningfully good path through catastrophe.

Similar things can be said for fulfillment, power and harmony. I am not going to into the details of the arguments for each because this article is getting too long. Please refer here for the details. What I would like to say however is that this distinction between what is in my power and what is not in my power must not be ignored. When we pursue these things (security, fulfillment, power and harmony) by getting/acquiring things in the world, we are going to fail. These things are not a product of what we have and what we get, these things are a product of what we do; of how we contribute.

It is not owning a car that fulfills one; it is only the joy of driving that can possibly be fulfilling. But the driving is something you do, not something you get or have. By concerning yourself with what you can contribute you are returning your attention to that which sits within your own hands, you are taking control of your own doing, and hence taking control of your own well being. This is the diamond necklace that sits around your neck; don’t search for it where it is not to be found. Return inward, discover your own doing and make it your project to make your doing excellent and worthwhile and you will be secure, fulfilled, powerful and in harmony with the world around you.