Coaching Skills: Creating Safety to Facilitate Discussion

In any truly effective conversation, parties need to feel comfortable to bring up and openly discuss issues, even those which are difficult to talk about. A legitimate leader is able to create a place of safety to facilitate discussion, so that others feel free to talk about anything. This ability to hold a non-judgmental space for conversation at a deep level is the first and most basic skill of leaders in a coaching role. It goes beyond what is commonly thought of as “rapport”.

In this coaching corner article we are going to briefly address this fundamental conversational coaching skill of safety with the help of an idealized dialogue:

In future articles we will look at other key coaching skills in more depth.

Mary: Hi Coach, I am so glad you are going to help us to help our staff to feel safe enough to contribute to the pool of shared meaning. We all have our own beliefs and experiences and it isn’t always easy to ensure everyone’s thoughts and feelings come out into the open, especially when there are controversial issues at hand.

Coach: Having access to accurate and relevant information assists us in making decisions and we are more committed to those decisions. Listening with an open mind, stilling our inner voice and our inner need to evaluate and respond is what it takes to create safety for real dialogue to take place. As leaders especially, we are conditioned to analyse and react to what we experience, including what others say and do, so setting side our own agendas and judgements and keeping quiet until someone else has finished speaking, particularly when we don’t agree, isn’t easy.

Sam: Isn’t that what’s called “rapport”?

Coach: Rapport is certainly involved, Sam, although creating safety goes beyond it. Yes, rapport is an harmonious interchange and is characterised by similar gestures, body position, use of others’ words or phrases and clear understanding and empathy. Yet safety allows people to express differential ideas, to propose alternative solutions, to raise controversial thoughts and feelings and to tackle the so-called “elephant in the room” without fear of recrimination or ridicule. As a coach, you need to be aware of how your face and tone reflect what you think about what others say, maintaining a curious yet neutral perspective. “That’s interesting…tell me more” is useful to indicate an open perception and to seek clarification, should this be required. Creating safety can be as straightforward as asking a question or showing an interest in someone’s opinion.

Sam: What if you don’t agree with what someone has just said, or they’ve offered an idea that couldn’t possibly work?

Mary: I’ve found with my team that if I say “I don’t agree”, they simply stop listening. But if I take them through my thought process and explain myself and then say something like “…and that’s the reason you and I see things differently…” I have at least explained where I am coming from and have taken them along in my rationale. So we can sometimes even agree to disagree, having understood each other’s standpoints.

Coach: Learning to be observant is essential for a coach, being aware of whether you are in or out of rapport, if you have moved away from the deep structure of dialogue and into superficial words or word games. If you realise this has happened, you might say: “I think we have moved away from a meaningful dialogue.” An acknowledgment, an apology or even a request for a short break can be useful.

Mary: Trying something is always better than doing nothing.

Sam: I find it really difficult to have an open mind. I always have an idea about what is going on and why. I want my staff to agree with me and I want things to go my way.

Coach: Letting go of your “story” or your agenda is indeed difficult. You need to be able to set that aside in order to listen and to separate the facts from the story you are telling yourself. You need to be able to get to the real issues and avoid unnecessary disagreement.

Mary: I’ve found that noting what we agree on and where we differ can be helpful. Or talking in possibilities, like: “I’m wondering how that seems to you?” When we need to take action I might ask: “Given what we have just shared, what might be a next step?”

Coach: Usually, although not always, we need to conclude with some kind of action. The language of possibility is particularly valuable here. You can ask: “How are we going to decide?” or “Who will do what by when and how will we follow up?”

Sam: I can certainly see I need to start rethinking what I really want to achieve with my coaching. Maybe a shared pool of meaning, understanding my staff better and willing cooperation and would be better than just doing things my way.

To explore more issues around coaching or leadership, you might want to visit our “Coaching On the Go” application or our website for additional information.