As harsh as it may sound, poor self-esteem is living a lie. “Who is the real me? Am I my true self? Do I act like the person I really am?” These are typical questions when a person has poor self-esteem.
The facts: you can only be you. The question is: how do you want to be you? Poor self-esteem creates a poor self-image. It gives you an “inferiority complex” which is much the same as having a poor self-image. A positive spin to the question is: how can I be the best version of myself, consistently? The question is: how do you want to be you?
Psychologically speaking it is very “expensive” to live a poor self-image. I say “live” a poor self-image because a poor self-image is not something that happens to us, it is something that we create inside our own skin. It takes actually takes a lot of effort. Effectively it is maintaining a lie.
Here is the bad news of investing in a bad/poor self-image. It starts with the word “self-esteem,” that is I esteem/judge/rate myself as not good, below standard. In other words: there is an ongoing process of “esteeming”. The root of this judgment is about assessing oneself against some internal standard and reaching the conclusion: not good, or very bad! Or, a person can reach the same conclusion by comparing oneself to others: richer, smarter, more beautiful, more confident, etc. “They” are in all ways better than “me”. I am therefore not good, or even very bad. Poor self esteem is actually much like any other emotion. Such a process of negative “esteeming” produces poor self-image and is psychologically crippling like any negat.
This judgment is a permanent and pervasive one. Once made, the information which should correct it, simply does not make an impact. Or, we do not pay attention to it. We cancel the contradictions out of awareness. Like a thought virus that destroys the good news.
A person doing a positive self-image has two interesting features. Such a person does some very active “esteeming,” but with a difference. Firstly, they like good news about themselves! Whether they do a positive rating of their own actions, or a get a positive rating from somebody else, it is a gift and a confirmation.
Secondly, they give bad and good news equal standing, equal value, in their minds. People, generally, believe and trust bad news a lot better than good news. The challenge is to recognize good news as good news, and that good news is equally valid compared to bad news. How? Ask and get evidence for good news and bad. The best kind of information is specific and example based. If good news is specific and example based, accept it and appreciate it.
What happens if your judgment, with or without external feedback, is one of “not good enough?” Here is the good news: you now have a goal to grow towards by learning, training or copying what other people do. “Below standard” now is an opportunity for personal development.
Being critical of oneself does not mean one cannot change. Of course you can! The trap in being critical is in the finality of the judgment! This is actually the whole problem with poor self-image. It is held as a final judgment about me. How does one avoid that trap? Here are four steps to begin with:
- Do not judge, learn. There is a saying: “there is no failure only feedback.” (see “Loss of Hope”)
- View yourself with the same compassion that you would apply to a friend or somebody who you respect. There is much research that indicates compassion towards oneself is as important as is compassion towards another. Compassion, is a strong motivation to improve or grow oneself, even better than self-criticism. (An excellent article is available at http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/try_selfcompassion)
- A mistake or “not good enough” at a behavioral level does not make you a bad, or inadequate person. As a person, you are much, much more than any single behavior or attribute. Your name is like the name of a library: inside there are thousands of behaviors that are you. If you don’t have a specific behavior in your library, get it. Or decide: do you want to have or learn that behavior?
- A useful question is: under these circumstances, what do I need to do to be the best version of myself? What examples do I already have in my library? If I do not have an example, how do I get one, if I wish to do so? When I do the new behavior, what would I look, sound or be like in that situation? Do the full movie and change until you feel good. Now, add it to your library.