New Insights into the Midlife Crisis

What is a Mid-life Crisis?

“Crisis can come at any time. What’s the big deal about calling it a midlife crisis?”

“Is it a state of mind or a medical condition?”

“Can it really be at a certain age?”

“What is midlife crisis? I have not been through it but have seen others experience it and this makes me wonder…”

The above are some common answers to the question if what a mid-life crisis is. The topic makes for an engrossing discussion and strikes a chord with most people. Interestingly, Schuitema’s explanation of an individual’s maturation process has many useful insights if one wishes to understand what midlife crisis is and how to deal with it.

Fakhir Shah started off with explaining that Midlife Crisis is a state of mind which impels one to take stock of where one is at a juncture in life. It is really a transitive state in one’s journey towards maturation. However, it can be extremely turbulent and confusing for many people. Many people suddenly want to live life ‘at their own terms’ after experiencing a breakdown of sorts which makes them feel that they have lived their life for others, according to decisions and choices made by others. The onset of this breakdown can be triggered by any major event for which an individual was completely unprepared; for instance, the loss of a job, the failure of a child or the death of a loved one.

The term “Midlife Crisis” was coined by psychologist Carl Jung who understood this period of breakdown to be a normal part of the maturation process of the human being. For some this transition is smooth and without any permanent damage, however for others it is not smooth sailing. Some people experiencing it go into depression and need psychotherapy. They experience feelings such as rage; towards the spouse and family for tying them down, unhappiness; for not achieving the goals they had yearned to achieve, boredom; towards the people and things that may have been of interest to them, confusion; about the choices they have made or were made for them. A person going through the crisis might feel a need for adventure, or a passionate relationship or may feel completely indecisive about what they want to do in life.

The key to overcoming a midlife crisis and preventing it from causing havoc to oneself and those around one is to replace bitterness over the past and the present with gratitude and to understand that the transition is smoother if one detaches from one’s need to be significant. There are some grateful thought patterns or mantras one can repeat to oneself in order to cultivate gratitude. One should consistently remind oneself of things such as:

“I struggled over the years even if it was against my choice because I was serving the other and the other was serving me in countless ways that I can only begin to understand now.”

“I could have been much worse than I am at the moment.”

“I have been blessed with infinite blessings starting from how my own body works.”

“I could have been richer had I pursued that lucrative offer but my conscientious children/ loving spouse/numerous students are a far bigger wealth.”

If one is troubled by a particularly traumatic event, using the T Diagram exercise is useful.

As explained in Etsko Schuitema’s book Intent, “Rancour is a bit easier to deal with because you do not require the other at all to deal with it. Consider anything that someone did to you or that happened to you that was particularly upsetting at the time. Describe the event as clinically as possible, with no adjectives, just a cold rendition of facts. Then describe the eventagain, emphasizing the loss and the pain associated with the event. Then describe the event again, emphasizing the gain.

The first thing that will become apparent is that the difference between the description on the left and the description on the right is not the event itself, it is how you choose to look at it. One can do very little about the event itself – that was done to you. You can, however decide how you are going to look at it.

The second thing that will become apparent is when you examine the nature of the language in the box on the left side you will find categories of malevolent intent there. You will find issues such as rebellion, weakness, distrust, fear, humiliation, expectation and presumption.

On the other hand, on the right you will find the categories of benevolent intent. You will find awe, submission or acceptance, trust and gratitude. Again, the event itself is outside your control. However, moving from the left to the right is in your control.

The inner realm of a mature person has two principle conditions: trust and gratitude. These two qualities have different directions. Gratitude looks backwards at the past. Trust on the other hand, looks forward, to the future. They are also mutually enabling. If you look at your past and you recognize a benevolent design in it, it is much easier to trust that you future also has a sense of design to it. You can trust life and you do not need to control every eventuality.”

Helping a Troubled Spouse

It is important for a person to know how to deal with a spouse having a Midlife Crisis because the crisis can bring sufficient trauma to the family as well. Here are a few tips that we shared during the workshop:

Suspend Judgment:

Midlife Crisis often makes a person think like a victim and therefore the spouse becomes an easy target. Never mind if your misgivings with your partner are legitimate or not, but for a wife or a husband of someone in crisis it is supremely important to suspend judging your troubled spouse as a loser or a failure. A spouse can in fact be instrumental in helping another to transit the crisis safely if only by detaching and thereby giving emotional space till the troubled one starts sailing smoothly.

A person in Midlife Crisis is often confused himself about his bearing and the last thing that he needs is a label or an advice he or she didn’t ask for. Suspend your fear of the future and your agenda to make the troubled partner ‘see sense’. Serve the person on an ‘as is, where is’ basis. See with curiosity as to what is happening in the crisis ridden partner’s life.

You will obviously be at pain many a times for where your life with such a partner seems to be heading, but your anguish will only serve to weaken the relationship further.

Be Patient:  

If you have been patient with your aging parents, growing children and difficult boss, then your spouse truly deserves some of your patience now. And if you have no experience of being patient, you can learn now for you have invested a lot of time and emotion into this relationship so far and it is worth it. Enforcing your own set of opinion and wanting the troubled spouse to ‘do something about the issue’ will only cause further alienation.

Give Unconditional Attention

This will help the troubled spouse immensely. It will be useful to listen fully without interruption or negation. Many a times, we clarify what we must do simply by speaking about it. Let your spouse know that you are there to support him unconditionally specially if he or she wishes to stand up in courage to change their mediocre status quo in doing what is the right thing to do.

Managing a Relationship Breakup

If your spouse is having an affair or seeking divorce when you have done all of the above sincerely, please realize that the issue is not you but your spouse. Do not engage in a blame game and the last thing you need is to feel like a victim for you have a life waiting to be lived fully. Give space to the spouse to consider a patch up. Forgive your spouse if he or she has inflicted permanent damage. For your forgiveness will set clear your own and the child(ren)’s path onwards. Manage the transit with grace no matter what the outcome. And do not make the child(ren) resentful towards the errant parent; they have a right to love both their parents.

And trust that in the fullness of time, they will grow up with the right perspective if you do not color their judgment.