Creating a Trusting Coaching Relationship

One of the challenges facing any coach is to develop an effective relationship with those being coached. Mutual trust becomes a central issue. Where a manager, as leader, already has the trust and respect of staff members, this may fall naturally into place. However, this will not always be the case, particularly where there is conflict or antagonism between the leader and some individuals or where there is a perception of favouritism. Even where relationships may be fairly sound but there is still some suspicion, especially at the outset of a coaching process, trust has to worked on.

The Care and Growth thematic evolved from research around employee discontent and levels of trust in management in the mining industry. In summary, the research concluded that employees judged their managers in terms of a very simple criterion, their trust was based on whether or not the manager had a genuine interest in their welfare. Therefore, a manager embarking on a coaching process would need to convince any person being coached that whatever transpires between them has the intention of being for the benefit of that individual. That others may also benefit could be evident, but will not be the primary focus of the coaching process. Coaching, in essence, would be about creating excellence in direct reports, rather than using them to produce results.

With this in mind, in order to demonstrate trust, the leader would need to express confidence in the abilities of those being coached, to ensure they were provided with both the means and ability to perform and to ensure availability and an empathetic approach should they run into difficulties. A clear intention to grow and empower the individual would support the coaching process. With those less confident in the leader’s intent, it might take time to allay any suspicion and to build a trusting relationship where the coachee would feel safe enough to admit to difficulties or mistakes. Patience and the understanding that errors fuel understanding and growth would be essential for a coach to be effective. Listening to coachees would be a vital skill for any leader aspiring to be a coach, since this would illustrate his willingness to set aside his own agenda for that of others and thereby promote trust.

In this article we are going to briefly address some of the issues in creating trust through an idealized dialogue:

Sam: Hi Coach, I really need some help here. My coaching started off quite well with most of my people, but now, as we as getting into it more, some of them are not so keen. One person complained that all we talk about is what he can’t do. Another was enthusiastic until we discovered she was making similar mistakes over and over and now she says I am always on her case. This morning I was accused of favouritism, because some of my people are doing better than others and I am losing the trust of those who are struggling more.

Coach: What you are experiencing is not unusual. While people generally want to learn and grow, it’s not always a comfortable process. And coaching isn’t always about telling people the good news or what they’d like to hear. There are of course times when you have to draw attention to what isn’t going so well, as you have found during your coaching sessions.

Sam: But somehow when it’s me in the spotlight and I am being coached I am aware the intention is to enable me to be more successful, not to chew me out for what I’ve done wrong. Why can’t my people see it that way?

Coach: So how is your coaching experience different to what you are doing with your team?

Sam: Mmm…that’s a question I hadn’t thought of…I’m always reminded of what I’m doing well and every little step in the right direction gets noticed. I am often told “that was a good try” and I appreciate the recognition that I have made an effort, even if it wasn’t exactly what was wanted. I always have the resources I need and every step is discussed and agreed, even where I am making more use of things I am already good at. I realise now that I don’t always do that with my people. I sometimes make assumptions about what they know or what they can do and then discover later that it wasn’t the case.

Mary: Can I add some insights?

Sam: Ok, sure.

Mary: I have sometimes overheard you talking to your people or overheard them talking about you. I wonder how much you make use of their strengths as well as focusing on their weaknesses? Do you ever think about delegating some of your work to those who could use it to learn and grow, either to make their jobs more interesting or to prepare them for promotion? Your staff seem to have the impression that you are coaching them so you can get better results and look good to Management. While that might be a spin off, they need to know their welfare is your top priority. When you get impatient with them if they are struggling with something, or you just brush them off if you are busy or you jump in and tell them what to do, they lose faith in coaching in general and you in particular.

Coach: Delegation certainly makes a good development tool and part of your role is to feed the organisation’s leadership pipeline.

Sam: I hadn’t thought of it that way.

Mary: I have also heard you discussing some of your people’s problems with other managers or with HR. If the coaching isn’t confidential then people won’t trust you.

Coach: Building on what Mary is saying, your people need to feel safe enough to talk to you about anything. That means, unless it has serious repercussions for them or the business, you need to keep people’s weaknesses or mistakes to yourself. Supporting and sticking up for your team members is also an important part of coaching, even when they have done something “wrong”.

Mary: There’s just one more thing I need to mention, and that’s that you often cancel or postpone coaching sessions with your people. That hardly ever happens to us, does it? Our sessions are always held, unless there is a real emergency, so we don’t prepare for nothing. And they are held on time. If our coach arranges or promises something, he sticks to it. So we can depend on him. I have heard your people say you are often late for those sessions you do hold, so you don’t get to everything planned for discussion. They no longer believe you take their coaching seriously.

Sam: I am hearing all this and feeling bad. I know that isn’t the intention though and that I have to hear and accept the reality, so I can become better at what I am trying to do.

Coach: Indeed, Sam, honesty in being able to tell things as they really are and having the courage to face what you could be doing better are all part of creating mutual trust and respect. And it’s the intention behind it that’s the critical bit. One final point, you mentioned, Sam, a perception that you favour some people over others. Without doubt, we do build more effective relationships with some people than others. Often it is those who are more like us and sometimes it’s those who are completely different.

Sam: And for me, I have to admit, it’s with the people who are more positive and just get on with their jobs.

Coach: The challenge is to make sure that you treat everyone equitably. You need to come across as fair, even when dealing with people as individuals and therefore differently. Being able to see fairness from viewpoints other than your own is extremely valuable. So is being able to recognise and set aside any preferences you have. Everyone needs to know you have their best interests at heart, regardless of whether they are top performers or not. If you can do that, you will gain respect and be trusted by everyone in your team, not only as a coach but also as a leader.

Sam: Thanks for the impromptu coaching session, guys, I certainly have some work to do!

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