Coaches need to both assist those they are coaching to receive feedback and to demonstrate receiving feedback effectively themselves. Being able to accept feedback is an essential skill, even when that feedback is not delivered in a particularly useful way. It thereby creates an opportunity for analysis and a decision as to if and where there are opportunities for learning from what has been said. This is not to say that people will necessarily agree with the feedback given, because everyone is at liberty to evaluate and decide what to take on board and what to discard. Feedback is often the result of a perception, which may or may not be shared by the receiver.
As with giving feedback, there are certain “better” ways of receiving feedback, such that individuals demonstrate they have understand what is being offered to them and therefore that the giver has been heard. Feedback may need time to be “digested” and it may require time for clarification if it is unclear.
Where coaches set assignments after coaching sessions, the coachee would typically return to the following session with feedback to the coach about progress regarding the assignment. Most importantly, the coach needs to avoid becoming defensive, should the feedback be negative. It is a truism that, at times, we need to understand how we are part of the problem before we can become part of the solution.
In this coaching corner article we are going to briefly address some of the more useful ways of receiving feedback, with the help of an idealized dialogue:
Coach: I wondered how you were getting on with giving your team members feedback.
Sam: I think I am making progress. But I had quite an unpleasant incident yesterday when Joseph and I almost came to blows over some feedback he gave me!
Coach: What happened?
Sam: (Becoming red in the face and raising his voice) He had the cheek to tell me I was incompetent as a coach!
Coach: And how did you receive that piece of feedback? I can see from your reaction now that you are still feeling upset about it.
Sam: I tore into him and told him in no uncertain terms that, since he wasn’t a coach, he wasn’t in a position to judge and that I had only just started learning about coaching, so he couldn’t expect me to be perfect already
Coach: And what did he mean by “incompetent”?
Sam: I don’t know!
Coach: So this is what typically happens when we receive feedback we don’t like. We become emotional. We might become angry, as you did, or we might feel slighted and withdraw. What other emotional reactions might we have, Mary?
Mary: Well, I remember what happened last year with Anna. After I gave her negative feedback about a problem with her work, she stopped talking to me and then the situation became quite ugly when she complained to the Area Manager that I was victimising her. If I am honest, I have to admit that I also tend to sulk and then avoid the person who gave me the feedback, although I wouldn’t go the extreme of taking revenge!
Coach: Yes, withdrawal, either physical or mental, or revenge, can be triggered by negative feedback. As you described, Sam, anger is a typical response if someone feels attacked. Other individuals might blame someone else or make excuses. Still others might move into denial. And I have seen some people cry and others even laugh. Of course that laughter may be motivated by aggression, denial or defensiveness. The problem is that all of these reactions are emotional, which makes them not very useful. A far better way of dealing with feedback, either when unwelcome or unclear, is to ask open questions to better understand where the person giving the feedback is coming from.
Mary: So Sam could have asked more about what the person meant by incompetent, like how specifically he was incompetent, when he was incompetent or even where he was incompetent.
Sam: And not why! I remember you telling me that before. I could have asked: “What’s the reason you are saying that?” And then we could probably have had a discussion instead of an argument.
Coach: People tend to delete essential parts of feedback. They can also distort or generalise. If you are effective at receiving feedback you can use open questions either to find out more about their thinking, or even to challenge them, respectfully of course. So if someone tells you that “Management doesn’t understand”, you might respond with “What specifically does management not understand?” or “Who in management does not understand?”
Mary: I had one of my staff members saying he wanted to be recognised more. I could have asked him “What exactly would make you feel more recognised?” or “By whom would you like to be more recognised?”
Coach: That’s exactly right. If someone accuses you of not listening to him, how might you respond?
Mary: That would be making an assumption or reading my mind, so I could ask: “How do you know I’m not listening?
Sam: I wanted to promote on of my people and he told me he couldn’t learn a new job at his age. How should I have dealt with that?
Coach: What would you suggest, Mary?
Mary: You could perhaps have asked: “What stops you?” or “What would happen if you did?”
Coach: You are getting the idea.
Sam: When I queried how something was being done, the person I spoke to gave me feedback that her way was right because it was always done like that. How might I have challenged her?
Coach: That’s a typical generalisation. “Who says so?” could perhaps have been useful. What’s most important is collecting more information so you can more fully understand the feedback. To get more information about what others have observed, you might ask: “What examples can you give me?” To better understand what others find important, you might ask: “What makes this an issue for you? To clarify wants or needs you might ask: “What would you have liked to have been done differently?” or “What would have had a more positive effect?” or What ideas do you have for achieving a better result?”
Sam: I am going to go back to Joseph and ask him to clarify exactly what he meant about me being incompetent and I am going to remain calm and keep asking open questions until I find out what he thinks I need to do differently.
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