Paying Attention to Behaviour Cues for Growth

We tend to question the motives of others far more than our own. That’s how we are wired really.

We generally do not question our stance unless life throws something completely shocking and unexpected at us and we turn around to question why it happened to us in the first place. However, we don’t really have to wait till the sky falls on us in order to question ourselves and embark on a journey of self-discovery. I learned this recently in an NLP orientation session by Armand Kruger; our colleague from South Africa.

He revealed that we engage the world through our mental maps. These maps are sophisticated programs of ‘our way of looking at and understanding the world around us’. Our mental maps hold our values and judgment towards not only the higher aspects of our identity like our religious beliefs or the things we’re ready to die for, but also the minutest details like how cold we like our drinking water to be.  He said further, that if we pay attention to the tiny cues of other people in the way they emphasize on certain words while speaking, we can gather a lot of information about their mental maps and hence their way of engaging the world.

So for instance, the statement, ‘I can’t do this now’ can be understood in five different ways depending on which word of the statement has been emphasized. You can try this exercise yourself by imagining each word of emphasis in a colored, bold and italic format. So, ‘I can’t do this now’ is different from ‘I can’t do this now’.

The fun part begins when you start paying attention to how people respond or react to what you say or do. So for instance, if I have explained the directions of a place to someone and they reply that I explained it very well and that normally women tend to get confused with directions, it gives me a glimpse of their experience and belief of how women tend to explain directions. This is because, I have come across both women and men who are very good at explaining directions and others who have fumbled very badly at it.

The insights that come from paying attention to the cues of other people become all the more useful when you use them in a non-judgmental and impersonal manner. That is, you do not correct the other person for every cue that gives you an insight into their mental map. And you do not take offence to the perception of others about you that you have just had a glimpse of, in fact you think about how you need to alter or change your motive and stance towards something if it really does apply to you.

Like I mentioned earlier, people who feel wronged by others can really benefit from an impersonal, non-judgemental self-observation by paying attention to what ‘keeps coming to them’. So if you feel unappreciated by your colleagues or spouse, you could analyze the feedback that is coming from them in a non-judgmental way to either work upon your need for significance or shortcoming if any. And you could also feel secure that the issue lies in the other person’s mental map.

Before starting on however, you need to show complete integrity to yourself and detach yourself from any expectations towards the person you are transacting or engaging with.

The result is really a fascinating and liberating journey of self-discovery.