Transforming Resentment into Gratitude – Part 2

If you are the victim of an event which generates resentment in your heart, what are you to do? How can you transform resentment into gratitude? While it is not so easy to do and may be difficult to remember when you are overwhelmed by resentment, here are some critical pointers:

1. Stay in the present

Acknowledge the content of experience in the moment, then ask yourself….

• “What in the here and now can I pay attention to that will prevent my thoughts from retreating into the past where the resentment resides? :What may I see, hear, feel, smell or taste that I can focus on for a few moments?” (It is like meditating.)
• Be alert
  • to whatever is beautiful or joyful in your world (people, places, things, information, incidents)
  • to the positively unexpected (a kindness done to me, or one observed between two people)
  • to what is good; that will allow a ‘yes but…”

2. Create a grateful frame of mind through asking yourself questions.

These questions would endeavour to keep you in the present and to refocus you on positive things: “What can I learn from this?” “What can I do in this situation so that I can feel better about myself in this moment?” “What are my options?”

3. Remember that you are the source of your own contentment:

Turn your attention from something extrinsic to something more intrinsic, such as recognising your increased ability to work effectively with those you find difficult, and feeling satisfaction from your own contribution. Recall a saying that is important for you, such as: “If it is to be, it is up to me” or “The only difference between a lump of coal and a diamond is the pressure placed on it.”

 4. Some useful guiding questions about being the source of your own contentment might be:

• “What specifically is my contribution?”
• “What thoughts and frames of mind would help me take responsibility for being the source of my contentment?”
• “If I am the source, what can I do now and into the future to take care of the contentment which I am now turning over to outside sources?”

5. Work on your level of maturity (see page 24ff of “Intent: exploring the core of being human” by Etsko Schuitema) by being mindful of becoming transactionally correct.

This means to grow into, and to give serious attention to, becoming appropriately more generous and courageous (For more examples of transactional correctness, refer to the “Intention” book, p 24ff).

6. Remember to remember.

It is very important to identify for yourself under what circumstnaces do you need to remember to do the 5 steps for gratitude, it is like a mini-memory exercise. What in the circumstances could remind you: the person’s appearance? Their voice? A feeling of resentment starting to whelll up in you? Here is the clincher: the moment you become aware of the cue that will trigger resentment, immediately change the content of your thinking to becoming alert to the present, then ask the questions, etc. The quicker you do the switch the easier it is to stay out of the resentment trap.

Why bother? Resentment is real and it hurts? When you are able to move beyond the tenacious hold that resentment can have on you, you can transform yourself from Victim to Master. Stepping out and away from resentment allows you to progress in spiritual and functioning maturity. In a nutshell: you take your power back. Then, that will be the time to  give yourself permission to celebrate!

Helen Minty was the co-author of this article.