The Skill of Handling Conflict

In an article recently we shared a talk by Margaret Heffernan called Dare to Disagree. She says to the effect, that conflict is actually good for real progress in organizations, researches and in people and that organizations do not encourage conflict to test the strength of strategies and ideas and therefore do not make any real progress.

The theme is so relevant to us today. As societies, organizations, institutions, families and individuals, we might be in conflict overtly or covertly but do not dare to deal with it appropriately; that is with courage. We do not use conflict to construct bonds that could elevate us to a better station as a species. Instead, we use conflict to assert our own significance which doesn’t get anyone anywhere in the end.

Understanding Yourself…

If you are ever in conflict with someone, try tracking down the issue by asking yourself a series of questions. For instance, you’ve just had a serious confrontation with your boss and you come back simmering to your desk trying to control your hasty breathe and volatile emotions. The easy way out is to continue the conflict in varying situations whenever you get the chance, or to ‘vent it out’ with like-minded colleagues and maintain calm before the rotten boss, or in extreme cases start looking for job openings elsewhere.

Here’s the difficult way out of it… but it is far more liberating and profound. It will help you understand yourself better so you can manage your end of the transaction better and it will help you deal with other difficult conflict situations with more clarity.

After a sip of water, try asking yourself why you’re angry? Is your conflict due to the fact that you felt insulted and your approach/ stance/opinion was sullied? Why did you work yourself up so much over a difference of opinion no matter how legitimate you seem to yourself? Was it really about your self-significance or ego feeling hurt?

Why did you not settle the matter then and there and instead gossiped about it with all and sundry? Is it really about the lack of courage to deal with the matter appropriately? Did you need a like minded person’s approval to tell your ego that you were right and the boss was wrong?

These series of questions will probably lead you back to yourself. The issue might probably boil down to your ego and the lack of your courage to voice your opinion without getting emotional, it could also be the lack of courage due to some kind of fear. The fear could be of your self-significance feeling threatened or it could be a fear of trying to get a good opinion (when you don’t want to call a spade a spade for the fear of making someone angry), or the fear of your own security. Maybe you avoid a relevant and much needed conflict because you just want to carry on with the status quo – dealing with stuff is far more difficult.

Scratch deep enough and you’ll find either your ego or your fears putting you in a conflict. After you track your issue down to the specific problem of ego or fear then try separating it from the situation and respond in a way that is in the best interest of the other. In other words, change your view from what you are entitled to, to what you should be doing appropriately (without your ego, fear butting in).

Sometimes we’re in conflict because we think we’re doing the best for the other while the other isn’t appreciating it. Have you ever found yourself resenting someone because you did ‘so much’ for them and they didn’t acknowledge or even take up your effort? Isn’t it again an issue of ego that you felt you were not eulogized for your concern? Is your effort conditional because you want the other’s good opinion in return for your help? Is it an issue of self significance that you want to ‘change’ the person for good and he is not open to it?

Much of our conflict management is over ridden with our ego, the lack of courage and the presence of fear. Dealing with conflict requires courage. And courage is a skill that needs to be developed and polished in our transactions with others. Courage is also to disagree with someone without taking it as an attack on your self-significance or your ego and it is also to stand for what you believe in because you think it is right whether others agree or not!

Always remember that in a conflict situation, you will become weak to the degree that you demand a change in the stance of others (because that is not in your control no matter how much you wish or try). However, if you focus on what you should be doing, you will become stronger and powerful.

The Movie Saga…

Consider the past wave of extreme resentment in Muslim societies over the viral video that has mocked the Prophet Muhammad. To me the issue is about a destructive conflict that proves no point to either side.

The people making and putting such content viral believe that they are exercising their right to freedom of speech and their responsibility to ‘mature’ up the Muslims never mind the damage it causes to the human fraternity in general. The people responding with violent protests feel threatened and behave in a manner which is distant from morality to begin with. Both sides are aching to assert their significance.

Will we be able to separate our self righteous stance on the issue and emerge from it as a human species that treats each other with courage, generosity, kindness, empathy, maturity and love?

Chances are high that if we separate our fear and need for significance from the issue, we will deal with this conflict in a way that is courageous enough to give words to what our stance is and generous enough to listen to what the other has to say, generous enough to keep away from vile tactics to hurt each other and courageous enough to stop humanity from inching closer to more hatred.