Crucial Advice for Dealing with Loss

Loss is inevitable. Even if we lose nothing our entire lives, which is unlikely, one day each one of us will die.  However, as creatures who are headed in the direction of certain and absolute loss, we don’t easily make peace with this inevitability.  Most of us live in perpetual fear of losing the self (our status, popularity, reputation, affirmation, life) and assets (money, valuables).

Why is the thought of loss so terrifying and distressing?

The definition of loss has an element of involuntariness to it.  In other words, if you give a piece of jewelry to a beloved friend as a gift, you are likely to feel good.  But if someone steals the same piece of jewelry from your drawer, you are likely to feel upset by the loss.

In both instances you no longer possess the piece of jewelry.  But in the first instance, when you gave it away as a gift, you felt gratified.  And in the second instance, when it was stolen from you, you felt upset.  Why?

Because, you would argue, that in the first instance you wanted to give it away and in the second instance you did not.  In the first instance, your intention was to give the gift, so you felt good afterwards.  In the second instance you did not intend to give it away, so you felt like it had been taken from you and, therefore, you were angry or aggrieved.

Clearly, how we feel about loss has little to do with actual dispossession, with not having something.  How we experience the event has to do with our intention – whether or not we are prepared or willing to part with something/ someone.  Therefore, suffering we generally associate with loss has nothing to do with the objective event, it has to do with our intention.

Since it is our intention and not our deprivation that causes loss related distress, it becomes, important to investigate the issue of intent a little further[1].

In any given moment, we can deal with others and the world on the basis of two different intentions.  We can be here to Get or to Give[2].

If our intention with regards to the world is to get – to hold on to what we have and keep adding to our inventory of accumulations (whether they are material or non-material) – then all loss and especially death, will be both terrifying and painful.   If we are here to give unconditionally, all loss, even death, has the potential to be gratifying and fulfilling.

You could reasonably argue that cultivating the intent to give unconditionally is difficult, that we cannot intend to give loved ones away, and that loss can be hugely inconvenient and painful[3].  This is all correct.

I am not suggesting that the intent to give is easy to cultivate, I am only suggesting that it is possible and it is worth cultivating because it provides us fulfillment and security; it rids us of our resentment about loss in the past, and our anxiety concerning potential loss in the future. 

The loss of a loved one is painful and the loss of valuable, useful things is inconvenient.  But what actually extends the pain and misery is how we respond to the loss.  Once an irreversible loss has occurred, no amount of analysis, complaint or rage will do anything to change the situation.  The more we complain and question what has happened, the longer we remain mired in the pain.  By refusing to accept it, we keep bringing the pain into the present, extending our misery.  The more victimized we feel by it, the more likely we are to feed the event into generalized resentment towards our past and mistrust and anxiety about the future.  All of it just makes us unhappy and unable to enjoy what we do have.

The choice to remain bitter about it, versus the choice to accept and get over the loss, lies singularly in our hands.  The most sensible thing to do is to accept the loss, fully acknowledge our hurt and anger without getting attached to the emotions[4], and move on.

What helps us to move on after a loss is the reminder that we are all headed in the direction of death – absolute and unconditional loss. 

When I lose something, I often ask myself if I will miss it or regret not having it, when I am on my death bed.  The answer is always a very clear and definite no.  In other words, if we accept our mortality and make peace with the inevitability of our death, it will help us deal with other losses by putting them into perspective.

We are conditioned to believe that loss is undesirable, an idea, which is constantly reinforced.  Our parents teach us to worry about loss of things, loss of face, loss of good opinion.  Society tells us that success is about the accumulation of wealth, power and status in the world.

The existential assumption that sits behind this worldview is that the highest meaning and purpose of human life is to succeed at the accumulation of wealth, power and status.  However, the design of our lives and our eventual and uncompromising exit out of it, point to something altogether different.

We arrive knowing we will have to lose it all and go away without a trace.  Can our lives really be about accumulating that which will eventually be handed over? 

We base our most important decisions, such as what we will do for the rest of our lives, on the assumption that we are here to accumulate.  The fear of loss often becomes the basis for how we live our lives.  No wonder, the world is beset by stress, mental illness, violence and conflict.

As individuals this perpetual anxiety about accumulation and loss make us cowardly in our actions.  We begin to choose “safe” over that which truly inspires us, lights us up, and ennobles us.  Fear based choices render us mildly paranoid, mere shadows of our potential selves and turn our lives into fretful drudgery.

As creatures whose lives are directed towards complete and certain loss, we would do well to accept the inevitability of loss and reconsider our worldview and approach to it, in order to live a more meaningful and courageous life.

Notes

[1]For a more detailed discussion on the issue, read “Intent: The Core of Being Human” by Etsko Schuitema.

[2]Giving is only giving if it is unconditional.  If my intention is “give to get”, I am actually concerned with what I will get in the future, I make an investment to get in the future, I do not give.

[3]The discussion of extreme psychological and physical trauma is beyond the scope of this article.

[4]Grief and anger are natural reactions to loss and it is important to fully acknowledge these feelings to ourselves without acting on the basis of these emotions or remaining stuck in them.  Often talking openly to someone we trust or writing out our feelings, processes the emotion and releases us from the misery.