Raising Kids in a Joint Family

Many South Asian families like to live together jointly with their elders. For parents of growing children it often becomes a great concern to raise their children without undesirable values and behaviours interfering with their children’s upbringing.

For instance, a set of siblings living together might have differing views on schooling, religious upbringing, the use of cell phones or internet by children, what’s suitable to watch on the TV or even drugs and dating! If these differing views are not understood by the rest of the family, pretty soon the joint family setting becomes a hotbed of resentment because the children are perceived to be ‘picking up negative stuff’ from their cousins that they should not.

I have come across highly resentful mothers who struggle with parenting kids under these circumstances. Consequently, these women produce lots of emotional baggage towards the in-laws and transfer this resentful baggage into their children’s psyche knowingly or unknowingly.

The transferred baggage may disable the child emotionally and socially by twisting a child’s sense of reasoning or judgment. For instance, a resentful mother living in a joint family might vent out her raging grievances colourfully in front of her own parents and be amicable in front of the in-laws thereby encouraging her child to be a hypocrite as well. Such a child may grow up to be untrusting and fearful.

In my experience, and I would like the readers to contribute with their own learning, the following helps deal with this tricky situation:

Focus on Your Contribution: The Self and Other Diagram by Schuitema is a highly enabling concept.

It says that in a given situation, we either receive or we either give to the other. We are constantly transacting with our social other through this give and take. Our only hope of success lies in our focusing on what we can give in a situation rather than develop a sense of entitlement to what we are getting. Meaning to say, that we have little or no control over what we get but a great deal of influence over what we can give.

The more we focus on what a messed family we are living in, the more we will develop a ‘holier than thou’ attitude or a sense of self pity and consequently feelings of being a wronged victim, which in turn causes us to turn a blind eye towards our own flaws. Our hope through this is to focus on where we can make a difference… and there’s a lot of difference that we can make merely changing how we see things. For instance, here’s what you can do:

1.        Don’t Hate the Children: Understand that a child exhibiting negative behavior is not a ‘bad child’. The child has picked up behaviours from what’s around it. The child’s circumstances are shaping its behaviour. You and your child/ren are not better or superior than others. If you think so, you are seriously disabling yourself and your child and to any worthy solution out of your mess. Understand that if the children from the other family have heads teeming with lice, scream their heads off, if they are using foul language, if they are aggressive and bullying… it still is not their fault. It is a behaviour that needs to be corrected by mutual intervention, love and understanding. Your resentment will only single out the ‘bad’ children and reinforce their behaviour.

2.       Communicate Your Concerns: Resentment and backbiting are symptoms of a behaviour lacking courage to face issues and resolve them there and then. If you are worried about your children picking up negative stuff then instead of bottling it up communicate your concerns to the parents in a way that is not accusatory or demeaning. Share your research, give ideas for solving the problem and make the other family realise you are genuinely their ally in wanting the kids of the family to grow with healthy influences. Similarly, talk to your child/ren regarding what is right and what is wrong. Live by your own rules. Develop a family time (even for as little as ten minutes in a day) where you can talk and listen to your own children uninterrupted.

3.       Collaborate with the Children: Growing children from the ages of three to 12 love to get busy with simple activities. Be generous in sharing your kid’s learning resources with their cousins in a mutual story telling/ studying/ learning session. Encourage the other children for their strengths. The cousin might be great at painting and could teach a thing or two to your own child. When you genuinely appreciate the other children (and remonstrate your own children where required), they will look up to you, trust you and love you unconditionally. You can then point the negativity of an undesirable behaviour in a non accusatory tone (like you would to your own child).

4.       It’s a Passing Phase: We usually worry needlessly over something that’s a passing phase in the children. A child will always see the parents as its biggest influence in life. Your behaviour and conduct is your child’s aspiration. If you have an open communication line with your kid/s so  that they can say whatever they want to you without fearing your response… then you should not be worried about the kid picking nasty stuff.

 5.       Teach Your Children Accountability: Make your children understand that they are accountable for their own behaviour. They must discriminate in a given situation between what is right and what is not. Understand that they will learn to do so by trial and error and by looking onto their role models. Appreciate their well intended behaviour. Never malign a child’s natural instinct to love by colouring their perception of others in the family. Teach them to love and respect the elders while distinguishing between the right and wrong behaviour at the same time. They will only learn this tolerance if you practice it yourself genuinely. 

 6.       Move, if You Must: If your good intentions to communicate your concerns to the others in the joint family have been spurned, if you and your children are exposed to extremely negative influences like violence and abuse and if you have the means and power to move out… then do so. But remember to leave the family with dignity.

In conclusion, remember that what you are protecting your child from might be the very thing that could enable him. For instance, if your child is being bullied by older cousins, your counseling and intervention might help the child to deal with other bullies in life more courageously.