Enabling Your Children: Afia Mansoor

My previous article: Parenting: A Means or an End? got some interesting comments from a friend. She said that the ‘giving to get’ attitude is worsened by parent’s attitude of ‘giving’ so much that children simply forget to fend for themselves even at very late stages of their lives, especially in the South East Asian Cultures.

I so agree with her observation.

Truth is that parenting is a really tough job on the nerves. And in trying to give the best of everything to our children, we sometimes clip off their wings for good. We believe we know the best for them and we are their ultimate providers or something. By doing so, we make them dependent on us for just too long.

Once I asked Etsko Schuitema that what must one do if others start depending on one far too much? He answered that in such a case, that someone has not done an appropriate job of giving… of enabling. Because giving in its true sense is about handing over for good.   

Resonant to this, I’ve realized lately that the whole point of parenting is to be delighted by what each day brings you in terms of learning about your own self AND that it’s a wonderful tool to enable another human being towards his full potential.   

I do not profess to be a flawless, wonderful mother. I’ve had plenty of days where I did a lousy job of being a mom. I obsessed, screamed, dictated and compelled. But this attitude met its fallout during a time when I got extremely ill through my second pregnancy.

I was too ill to move too much and couldn’t really obsess about my then 4 year old’s hygiene, diet, TV viewing habits and what not. I could not assist him with homework or his toiletries and would just long for the time that I could spring back into action.

What that time really taught me was that while being parents we forget that we are here temporarily. This is no poetic philosophy… that we all die is something quite practical and might I say highly probable in the times we live!

It makes perfect sense then to enable your child into a fully functional human being and enjoy it while the child blossoms through his successes and failures.

Incredibly, when I was through that phase of extreme infirmity and had internalized this ‘here for a temporary time’ concept, I became a far more relaxed mom. I started talking to my son about things I believed he should know in case I am not there.

And no I don’t mean it in a morbid sense, but rather practical things that he should know about. I began preparing him for my stay in the hospital, he learned how to manage in the loo himself, he began to discern between the good cartoons and the not-so-good ones and would switch off the TV himself after his favourite show would end.

I had done a devastating job of feeding him myself through most meals uptil then and began to realise what an awful dependency this was for him. My obsession towards him having clean clothes and hands while eating disabled his love for food over time because I was an overbearing and controlling presence always looming over him. Children should be allowed to get their hands dirty with food until a certain age I believe and they should be allowed to skip now and then.

Whether you have a girl or a boy, whether it’s a preschooler or a teen, your intent should be to enable them, in stages as they grow, towards being fully functional without you there. It’s important for a pre schooler to know his home phone, make a simple phone call during emergency, know the directions to his house etc.

It’s important to teach a girl how to drive and change a flat tyre, wash the car and know its wiring, to shop on her own from a young age and so on. It’s equally important for a boy to know how to make himself a simple meal, entertain guests, lay the dinner table and tidy up the house before the guests come. It’s important for children to know from a young age the value of earning clean money and using it to provide for others. It’s important for children to discern what they love doing and express it from a young age. I believe it’s very important to prepare them for the reality of a loved one’s death in a practical way. The world of learning and expression is limitless really and an adventure for both the parent and the child. 

I have seen adults in our part of the world completely devastated by a move away from their parents or from their deaths for extended periods of time. In a way, these people have never had the chance to grow into independent adults who value their parents for teaching them to grow inwardly and outwardly and cherishing them while they live.

Make sure you do not incapacitate your children from reaching their glory by fooling yourself into being a ‘ubiquitous provider’ as long as you live!  

Images courtesy:

http://annaculpwriting.blogspot.com

http://karimasblogs.blogspot.com