People often do not know how to deal with their difficult emotions! The general opinion among people is that they do not want to feel angry, depressed, sad, uncertain, lonely, rejected, etc. So, what is the best way of dealing with emotions? What is the best pill to get rid of all of these negative emotions?
Unfortunately, the fact is that you cannot get away from your emotions. They are always there, like an under-current to every moment of your life. Even when you are sleeping. They are the source of nightmares, and erotic dreams!
Ah, but there is a missing piece. Not having emotions comes with a price tag. You then have none of the pleasant, positive emotions. Those ones that come with holidays, beauty, awe, love, caring, pleasant surprises, hope, confidence, resilience. So if I don’t want to get rid of my emotions, the question I should ask is: how do I deal effectively with them? What do I do when I feel any or all the typical “negative” emotions?
One starting point would be to improve your EQ (emotional intelligence). Be very emotionally intelligent and you have “the secret” to deal with your emotions. The question then is: how do I get EQ? The bad news is: there is no pill that will give you EQ. Pills will blunt or stimulate but pills always come without wisdom. Pills don’t give you a “how to,” or a model for dealing with any or all the emotions. But, here is the good news:
- Emotions do not “just” happen to a person. We are the “creators,” or the “thinkers” of our emotions.
- Emotions are messages, felt messages, about the goodness or badness of what is happening to a person in the moment.
- Men have (soft, gentle, kind) feelings too.
- Brains cannot feel; bodies do.
- Emotions are energy, the source of action or behaviour (next blog).
Except for a very limited range of emotions due to organic factors: biochemistry, neuro-imbalance, etc. it is true to say that our emotions reflect a judgment we have made. If our judgment is one of not meeting our expectations of what is right or proper, then we will experience a negative emotion. The emotional message then is “not good.” Positive emotions are messages that what is happening in my experience is good, is meeting with my standards.
Emotions to some extend have standard messages, for example,
- Anger: somebody is transgressing my standard of what is right;
- Fear: I have become aware of a threat to myself, to my physical or emotional well-being;
- Uncertainty: I don’t know what my options are;
- Sadness: longing for, or missing, somebody/something valuable to me;
- Depression: an important element is missing from my life;
- Hopeless: I cannot see a way of making a change into the future;
- Guilt: I have transgressed my own standards;
- Shame: I have transgressed the rules of the group or community to which I belong, and they may already know about it.
Positive emotions essentially mean that what is happening is meeting or exceeding my expectations. The pleasant and positive nature of the “good” emotions starts a thinking process by which the person is considering options for making it last. Generally, the negative emotions mobilize the person to do something to stop or avoid more of that emotion. However, if the negative emotion reaches a certain level of intensity (more of this in a later blog) then it “captures” the person in a state of helplessness, hopelessness, and powerlessness. When this happens, the person repeats the same thoughts and behaviours, which in turn anchors the badness. They are caught in a loop of thinking that “this is it, it is only this, it is this forever.”
Emotions Exercise:
Having a better understanding of emotions is good news because it informs us of the sorts of things we can do to manage our emotions and increase our EQ. I want to share a simple exercise that can help achieve this and help with dealing with emotions.
Below is a simple exercise to help you track your emotions and get a firm understanding of the pattern of your emotions. This understanding provides the building blocks of EQ.
To get the best benefit is would be useful to do this as a written exercise. It slows the thinking, and helps you into a thinking-position from which you can apply “new thinking” to your emotions.
- If my emotion is a message to me: what is the message? (Please ask this question until you get to a positive answer. Whatever answer you get, use that as the base content for your next question).
- What do I wish to experience? What message do I wish to experience?
- If I did experience the message, what outcome will it have for me?
- What possible obstacles would I be creating for myself to not have this message?
- What plan can I now already think of to help with the obstacle. Put the plan in a format of “if …, then I will …” (Steps 2-5 is a very shorthand reference to Oettingen’s acronym WOOP. Please explore further, and get the app for your phone.)
- What will I do, or initiate, that will help me to experience the message?
- When, where and with whom do I want this?
- What would be the benefit? What could be a price to pay? (If a price that is formidable, what change can I make to the content or the form of the message that will lessen the price for me?)