Since death is inevitable, the only competency which is of any value is eloquence in loss ~ Etsko Schuitema
I come from a middle class background. With limited resources it was very difficult for us as children to buy new things. As a result, things we had were given great value. We were told to be very careful so that we may not manhandle things. One of our greatest challenges was to face our parents after we have destroyed something.
I recall that in 1982, when I was fourteen, we were playing cricket and my cousin Sabahat broke a large window pane with his shot. We were terrified because very soon we would be summoned and would have to explain. Very strangely, when Sabahat apologized to my father tears started rolling down his eyes. He embraced Sabahat and said “this loss is nothing compared to losing my brother” (Sabahat’s father, my father’s younger brother had died a few days ago). At that time I could not understand my father’s reaction. All that I felt was immense relief at getting away free. However, when I read Etsko’s twitter, memories of the 31 years old incident were revived. It became clear to me that in face of catastrophic loss small things don’t matter.
All humans are confronted with a catastrophe called death. We come to this world empty handed. All through life we accumulate but death, the faceless equalizer, takes all away. Unfortunately we don’t know when it is going to come to visit. If we are unable to face small losses here and there in our life, how can we possibly face death which would take away from us all that we have?
It is important to understand what loss is. It may have many different forms; tangible as well as intangible. For example, loss of a job, a loved one, belongings things like a car or a house etc, an opportunity or even one’s reputation. However, inwardly it’s a feeling of being taken from. It has nothing to do with the external event; it is about how the person in the event perceives it. In my interaction with people on the topic I ask them to look back at the most catastrophic event of their lives and see if they could find some blessing in it. Invariably all people can find some silver lining. So it is quite clear that we can choose how we react, rather than the event dictating our reaction. This is not negating being human. A loss will always be painful; the question is how quickly we shift our attention from the negative to the opportunity that lies within.
On little reflection it also becomes clear that our inability to deal with loss appropriately affects our lives adversely. Since we assume that losses are bad and we must ensure that they never occur, we try to control outcomes. For example, I don’t want to lose my job therefore I won’t tell my boss as it is. I will lie, blame others, hide facts, and in fact ruin everything because I can’t face the loss of my job. How many people compromise their values because they don’t want to lose their job? This is just one example. If we reflect more it will become abundantly become clear that our inability to deal with loss has made our lives miserable.
What I am trying to emphasize is that this competence of being eloquent in loss is not only useful in life but enables us to face the final moment in our lives with grace. Now the challenge is how to develop this competence. Here are few tips:
- Creating self awareness is the first step. Recognize its importance and develop an understanding of how you are struggling vis-à-vis this issue in your life.
- It will be extremely useful to look back and see how the events that were experienced as extreme losses at the moment when they occurred, turned out to be benevolent in the long run. It will give you confidence and trust in life that it works. And things are not arbitrary, they have a design and the design is benign.
- Sharing your grief and listening to other people’s perspective also reduces the pain.
- Don’t go into denial. Acceptance allows the shift of attention from what has happened to what should be done.
- Do you really know what is important to you? Sometimes we give importance to things which are in fact not very important; this is especially true for material things. Always remember people are more important than things.
- Value driven behavior invariably puts us in situations where doing the right thing is not in our self interest. Regularly renew your commitment to your values. It will help you stand up in the face of loss. It is easier to take small losses to avoid big.
- Submission is the key. Do your best and trust that whatever is given to you is the best outcome. When we desperately try to control outcomes we realize our inadequacies to do so. This adds to our fear.
- Your life is a testament to the fact that life works. Count your blessings; it will enable you to take the small losses in stride, and will help you to move on from bigger ones with relative ease.