Parenting is a very challenging role indeed. The tough deal about parenting is that while on one hand, the role is an excellent means of maturing an individual; on the other hand, there is always the pitfall of seeing the children as a means to your own ends.
Parenting matures an individual because a parent tends to the needs of the child right from the state of infancy when the child is completely dependent on the parent. This makes the parent think about responsibilities, contribution, patience, compromise, sacrifice etc. The whims of adolescence and the fancies of bachelor days become a thing of past as relentless duty takes charge.
There are meals to make, clothes to change, homework to assist with, manners to be imparted, fee to pay, squabbles to be mediated with and so on. For the parent of a young child specially, life revolves around the needs of the child.
The trouble starts when the parent through this relentless rigor starts to see the child as a means of fulfilling his own set of expectations. The child must get straight As, choose a certain profession, speak, dress and behave in a certain manner, look after him in his old age (specially in the Eastern cultures) and so on.
I do believe that a child who grows up to be a dutiful offspring is a great blessing of life. The family unit in my culture is a big asset in numerous ways for it keeps all the members of the family engaged in a cohesive and useful set up. For instance, grandparents look after young ones while the parents work professionally or within the house, old and invalid members of the family are looked after by the younger and more energetic ones etc.
However, also in my culture, there is tremendous baggage imposed on children to fulfill a great deal of borrowed expectations. When you raise children with the intent of making them fulfill your own expectations you’re no longer serving them unconditionally. You are giving to them to get back from them after some time. And hence, you are not only manipulating them but also setting yourself up for some great manipulation.
The children who grow up with these enforced expectations begin to see contribution as a burden, much less, a voluntary service. They either end up as rebels, or connive to achieve their own ends because they emulate their parents’ intent of seeking something for their own selves while attempting to help another. The parents who demand compulsion without explaining the wisdom behind their demand sow the seeds of dissent sooner or later. The child either learns how to feign obedience or discards all compulsion summarily.
For instance, the child who has been raised to follow the family profession irrespective of his own interest and aptitude will either become an unfulfilled, unhappy adult and blame all his personal failures on his parents, or will feel alienated from any idea of serving the family or anyone else in the long run. Meanwhile the parents who have piled up years of expectations from their bright child will feel wronged by this ‘cruel’ behavior.
Raising children with an intent of getting something back from them sooner or later is the example of ‘Giving to Get’ – The Second Attention as explained by Etsko Schuitema in his book Intent.
When we explained the ‘Give to Get’ Attention to participants at our Parenting Excellence Workshop at Schuitema, several participants confided that they were expected to serve their parents all their lives and this naturally made them expect the same of their children. This expectation made them more strict and demanding as parents and the children more resisting and aggressive as a result.
A parent, in fact must see the child as a human being who has to be enabled. Someone who must be imparted with the sense of right and wrong. Someone for whom the parent is always there for help and guidance unconditionally. In order to empower the child, the parent must:
- Incrementally suspend controls while constantly showing by personal example, the appropriate responses to life challenges. So the level of supervision gradually should go down with the age of the child and child must know the appropriate response to a value-challenging situation.
- The parent must enforce a strong sense of accountability in the child. The child should know why behaving legally, morally and responsibly is important. Interestingly, many social analysts saw this sense of accountability in the upbringing of youngsters from Asian cultures during the recent London riots. Many youngsters of Asian origin by and large not only stayed away from looting but also worked to protect their community while risking their own lives.
- The parent must discard his expectations from the whole process of enabling the child towards maturity. This is being unconditional as a parent.
A child who is raised to willingly serve others, who carries no emotional baggage, knows the right from wrong, has the courage and generosity to respond appropriately to situations is the precious fruit of mature parenting.