We are all I am sure familiar with the feeling of anxiety attached to worries about what people might think about those parts of ourselves we are not very proud of. As a Muslim boy attending a Christian school I felt this very regularly. All my friends were fully aware of the fact that I was a Muslim but somehow I still felt uncomfortable when my religious background was broadcast to a group of people. I would not like answering too many questions about myself and preferred to ask the questions.
These were of course the concerns of a shy young boy but the fact of the matter is that these concerns stick with us. The anxieties attached to revealing myself I think were the result of a fear of losing control of the opinion people have of me. I would want, indeed I still to a degree do want, to be selective with what I allow people to know about me because this allows me to control the view they have of me. In situations in which I thought I might loose this control I became anxious. I am sure I am not alone in this, many people will find themselves in situations in which they are scared of being judged, where their peace and happiness is severely compromised by the fear that they may loose control over the image they wish to present to people.
This anxiety is completely understandable but we must recognise that we need not live with it. We must understand that there is peace to be found in complete honesty and transparency about oneself. Being honest is always an option but it requires the capacity to forego control. In some situations where I have felt anxious about revealing certain aspects of myself, I have on occasion managed to remind myself that I should not concern myself with controlling the opinion people have of me. This remembrance in the situation allowed me to be completely honest, only once I had given up my vain attempts to control my image was I able to be completely honest and transparent.
The interesting thing about deliberate honesty is that it is always accompanied by a freedom from the anxiety of trying to control one’s image. As soon as one foregoes control over one’s image and is completely honest, one recognises that they way people see you is technically not your problem, honestly and transparently representing who you are is your problem.
This is clear from the very nature of an inter-personal interaction. There is an implicit obligation of interaction with another human being. When two people engage with each other there is the implicit obligation that both parties should not mis-represent themselves. This is what the whole institution of interaction with other human beings is built on. If all of us assumed that everyone is going to be deceitful or evasive then inter-personal interaction as we know it would cease to exist.
When you have been honest and transparent about yourself you have upheld your obligation, whats left in the engagement is for the other person to be understanding and to avoid harsh judgement and prejudicial labeling, and that is their obligation. So when you are completely honest and transparent about yourself, you transfer responsibility for the view/opinion people have of you from yourself back onto them. And this it right, it is the holder of the opinion who has the responsibility to have a good opinion of others. Complete honesty allows for this and frees us from the anxiety of trying to take responsibility for what is not our responsibility, the opinion people have of us.